• Quoc Tran

Elon Musk Unveils All-Electric Attack Helicopter

Following the success of the Roadsters, Tesla’s line of all-electric luxury cars, Tesla CEO and co-founder Elon Musk announced on Thursday the company’s “logical next step” to become a military contractor with a prototype of an all-electric attack helicopters. These helicopters, called Airsters, feature a sleek, futuristic design and compatibility with current standards for electric vehicle charging ports. While only one actual prototype of this helicopter exists, online communities have been raving about it, calling it the “helicopter of the future.”

Tesla’s all-electric attack helicopters are made of an aluminum unibody and come in a variety of bright eye-catching colors, from the classic cherry red to a new neon yellow, though a highly-anticipated camouflage-pattern option has yet to be seen in public showings. The Airster also has no protrusions that are normally used to attack helicopters and hold other weapons. When questioned about this potential design shortcoming during his presentation, Musk only replied with an incomprehensible string of buzzwords, including “clean energy,” “industry-disrupting,” and “maximizing efficiency” which had the audience nodding in agreement.

The general sentiment was very positive and very much in favor of the Tesla Airster. Dave Woodbury, a Silicon Valley software engineer, said, “Elon Musk has done it once again. I can’t wait to preorder the new Tesla Airster. I think it’ll be a great addition to the family garage.” Others around him nodded in agreement and started shoving wads of cash into Musk’s face.

The Tesla Airster is currently in the final stages of design and is expected to go into production by the summer of 2018 with preorders currently available on their website. However, due to the limited production of the Airster, there is an extensive waitlist for the electric attack helicopter. In a press conference, General David Goldfein, Chief of Staff of the United States Air Force, stated, “I’m kinda low on the waitlist, but I was hoping to snag a few hundred for the force. So if Elon Musk is out there listening, bump me up a few spots.” Goldfein then proceeded to very deliberately wink at the camera.

Like his push for cleaner sources of energy with his Tesla vehicles and the push for interplanetary exploration with SpaceX, Musk aims to revolutionize the industry of war with the Tesla Airster. In his own words, “The Tesla Airster will pave the way for clean warfare. Right now, our attack helicopters, bombers, tanks, aircraft carriers, and other military vehicles are burning huge amounts of gasoline, releasing carbon dioxide into our atmosphere, and killing our planet.” Elon Musk hopes his helicopter will allow for what he calls “clean warfare” and that future wars will be carbon neutral. To further his vision of carbon neutral wars, Musk hinted at a possibility of solar-powered tanks, wind-powered battleships, and a nuclear-powered nuclear missile in the near future.

Many are excited about the possibility of clean warfare. Woodbury reflected on the concept of carbon-neutral warfare after the press conference. “I’ve always been both a pacifist and an environmentalist, but I’m more of an environmentalist than a pacifist. So I’m alright with killing people as long as we’re not killing the planet,” stated Woodbury. “And those free ‘I love clean warfare and Elon Musk’ t-shirts I got didn’t hurt either.”

During the second half of the presentation, Musk stopped answering questions and shot said t-shirts out of a t-shirt cannon while dancers in the background chanted “clean warfare” to the audience’s delight.

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