• Quoc Tran

President Trump Announces Plan to Leave the EU

President Donald Trump made United States’ exit from the European Union a central promise of his re-election campaign at a rally Tuesday night. He reportedly pledged to finally pull the United States out of the EU, after an alleged “shameful” 244 years of negotiation.

The American public narrowly voted to leave the European Union in a referendum issued in 1776, as part of a campaign promise by President George Washington. One of the original promises of the campaign was to limit immigration into the United States by Europeans, as the centuries prior had seen a large influx of Europeans to the North American continent. The main members of the “leave” campaign, more commonly known as the Founding Fathers, plastered horse buggies with catchy slogans and spread jingles that accused the European Union and King George III of refusing to “Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.”

Eight years into his presidency, fraught with domestic rebellions and tense negotiations with the EU, President Washington failed to make concrete progress towards “Amerexit” and elected to not seek re-election, passing the “Amerexit” torch to the next President, John Adams. The 42 administrations since President Adams have pushed to delay the dreaded “no-deal-Amerexit,” where the United States would cease to reap any benefits from the European Union and open borders between the two would be closed. Experts fear the repercussions that a “no-deal-Amerexit” would have on the global economy. Jennifer Contreras, a consultant with a D.C.-based think tank, speculates that one scenario could involve the closing of the entire Atlantic Ocean. “That’d be pretty bad,” she concluded.

Trump announced in a press statement that, as part of his plan, he would be rebranding the movement from “Amerexit” to “USAway.” The change was reportedly met with strong bipartisan support, even among those who opposed the movement as a whole. Tamara Zhang, a protestor at the rally, voiced her desire that the United States remain a part of the European Union. “But,” she admitted, “if they’re gonna keep pushing for us to leave the EU, then they might as well have a cool name for it. ‘USAway’ is a pretty good one, I’ve got to say.”

Trump supporters at a campaign rally were reported chanting simple and memorable complaints like “He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them,” harkening back to one of the original grievances of “Amerexit.” Robert Dueber of Toledo, Ohio expressed enthusiasm for President Trump’s campaign promise, stating: “I hate those Europeans!” Kyle Harris agreed, chiming in, “Free healthcare and college sucks. I had to pay an arm and a leg for my kidney transplant, just like it should be! I don’t need these European sensibilities invading my God given right to die because of a lack of healthcare!”

Reports from the rally cite that Trump used a large portion of the time during his speech to attack President Barack Obama, alongside all previous 44 presidents of the United States, for “dragging their feet” with America’s exit from the European Union. The rally specifically mentioned Presidents Woodrow Wilson and Franklin D. Roosevelt, claiming that, “When we should have been finally getting out of the EU, they spent a bunch of time and money over there in Europe fighting those fascists or whatever. Terrible!”

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